


The Silmarillion in a Nutshell (for Nahar-Doa)

by Chronos_X



Series: Headcanons (2016-) [4]
Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Abridged, Cue Tolkien rolling in his grave, Funny, Good is Dumb, Jerkass Gods, Jokes, Melkor/Morgoth is a dumbass, Parody, Tolkien Abridged
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:26:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22744744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chronos_X/pseuds/Chronos_X
Summary: Also available at https://www.deviantart.com/chronos-x/art/The-Silmarillion-in-a-Nutshell-for-Nahar-Doa-827932184.Dragon Ball Super: Twilight of Gods I - https://archiveofourown.org/series/1466320
Series: Headcanons (2016-) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1635487
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	The Silmarillion in a Nutshell (for Nahar-Doa)

_The Silmarillion_ in a Nutshell (for Nahar-Doa), by Chronos-X

Jan 23, 2020, 9:54:50 AM

Literature / Fan Fiction / Humor

Ilúvatar: Nobody can create anything without My approval.  
  
The Valar and the Maiar: Ok. ( _Ilúvatar leaves_ ). Let's do the one thing Father told us not to do!  
  
Melkor: Imma make awesome music! ( _Writes Justin Bieber's greatest hits, Rebecca Black's "Friday," all of Nickelback, trap, reggaeton, etc. Crappiness ensues. Everybody's real salty, 'cept a bunch of fanboys/groupies_ ).  
  
Aulë: Imma create beings modeled after myself! They're gonna be short, pudgy, functioning alcoholics with anger issues, be overly fond of axes and battles, have disgusting beards, the attention span of amoebas, and childish personalities people will find endearing instead of annoying, for some reason.   
  
Ilúvatar ( _returns, is righteously pissed_ ): For the love of Me, what did I just say!?  
  
Aulë ( _thinks fast_ ): Uh... I did it to glorify You, Father!  
  
Ilúvatar ( _shrugs_ ): Whatever. My divine plan will be incomplete without obnoxious comic relief, anyways.  
  
Melkor ( _butthurt, à la Prequels Anakin Skywalker_ ): Where's _my_ praise!? ( _Ilúvatar and the other Valar guffaw uproariously_ ). Screw you guys! Imma kill a magic world tree and make off with a buncha shiny jewels that're gonna burn my hands, so imma get a ridiculous over-sided crown to wear 'em so a dancing elf can steal 'em after giving me a boner! Then imma gonna turn giant and fight against some nobody who almost beats me, but imma gonna win 'cuz plot, right after I plagiarize—I-I mean, create elves, only they're grouchy douchebags and I took away their L'Oréal! Then imma make dragons, werewolves, necromancers and giant spiders so an Oxford Don can turn them into thinly veiled Christian propaganda for his son to edit for the rest of his life! ( _Leaves in a huff_ ).  
  
Ulmo ( _deeply concerned_ ): Aren't you guys gonna stop him?   
  
Manwë ( _speaks in a surfer dude accent while Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" plays in the background_ ): Nah brah, ol' Melky's like misunderstood and stuff, man. Eonwy's gonna scold him if he gets too uppity, right, brah?  
  
Eönwë ( _speaks like a frat bro while Luis Fonsi's "Despacito" plays in the background_ ): Yeah, dude! He'll be all sorry and shit when he surrenders, but I'll probably let him go with a warning or somethin' 'cuz Father forgot to give me some of that bodacious common sense, brah.   
  
Ilúvatar ( _annoyed as hell_ ): Don't drag Me into this. Anybody needs Me, I'll be in the can reading back issues of _EGM_. Call Me if you need to pull a Houdini with the dwelling of the gods, if you have any evil cities you want dropped to the ocean floor, or if you got any magic jewel-carrying methhead halflings to throw into lava pits. ( _Leaves_ ). _  
  
_Tulkas ( _flexes his gorgeous gym rat muscles to the tune of Aqua's "Barbie Girl"_ ): Well, imma be manly and pump iron. Call me if you got any Dark Lords you wanna pound into submission. ( _Leaves_ ).   
  
Mandos ( _sulky and emo-like while Linkin Park's "Numb" plays in the background_ ): I'm gonna remodel the basement. It'll make a nice storage facility for all the schmucks who'll bite the dust in the following eons. ( _Leaves_ ).   
  
Irmo ( _all prissy and self-important, pretentious classical music plays in the background_ ): I'll be coming up with vague dreams and prophesies to tell our pawns—I-I mean our mortal brethren what's expected of them. If Zordrak calls, tell him I'm not in. ( _Leaves_ ).  
  
Orome ( _speaks with a thick Southern accent to the tune of Dixie Chicks_ ): Imma poach at the wildlife reserve next door, then I'm gonna tip myself off to PETA so I can troll them. ( _Leaves_ ).  
  
Yavanna ( _speaks like a valley girl to the tune of "Wrecking Ball"_ ): I'm gonna go water my childr—plants after cheerleading practice. ( _Leaves_ ).   
  
( _Everyone splits. Ulmo stands there with a sour expression that says "I'm surrounded by idiots"_ ).  
  
Ulmo: Just as well. Hopefully my great-great-great granddaughter hasn't sold herself for a vagina and a guy she barely knows this time around. We need to have a serious talk about that hoarding of hers, though. ( _Leaves, humming Alan Menken's "Under the Sea"_ ).


End file.
